Tridentdawgpound 1,043 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) Since no one wants to coach the Browns, I see no other choice: I am throwing my name in the ring to be the 1,490th head coach of the Cleveland Browns. I believe that I have played enough Madden to be wayyyy overqualified. Of course, I'll need to assemble a staff. That's where you come in. I need coordinators and position coaches. You need only meet two qualifications: 1) You must have NO prior coaching experience at any level. 2) No Jews. Consider this your official sign up sheet. Head Coach: Tridentdawgpound Offensive Coordinator: Thanatos19 Defensive Coordinator: OSUViking ST Coordinator: Milla4Prez63 QB Coach: FartWaffles RB Coach: Favre4Ever WR Coach: ATL TE Coach: Bay OL Coach: BWareDware94 DL Coach: Vin LB Coach: seanbrock DB Coach: DonovanMcNabbforHOF Strength/Conditioning Coach: Stevo Spread Game Analyst/Special Projects Coach: BradyFan81 Edited January 10, 2014 by Tridentdawgpound 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FartWaffles 1,857 Posted January 10, 2014 I'll take on the hardest job for the Browns... Quarterbacks coach. Gary Kubiak is widely considered a "QB guru," and after watching him limit a quarterback's potential to an archaic offensive scheme for eight years I figure there's no way I could technically do worse than him. Sign me up! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
seanbrock 1,684 Posted January 10, 2014 I'll take LB coach. My track record in the TGP mock draft when taking LB's is superb Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Thanatos 2,847 Posted January 10, 2014 I can be the offensive coordinator. After watching Shula mismanage Carolina's offensive talents for most of the year, I think I'm up for the job. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BradyFan81 404 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) I'd like to be the Spread Game Analyst/special projects coach. Edited January 10, 2014 by BradyFan81 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bucman 891 Posted January 10, 2014 Sorry I withdraw myself from consideration. Can't ruin my career before it starts. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tridentdawgpound 1,043 Posted January 10, 2014 I'll take LB coach. My track record in the TGP mock draft when taking LB's is superb I'll pencil you in but you seem to actually have qualifications, and that might be a problem. Oh well, so long as you've never coached and aren't a Joo, you're in. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OSUViking 505 Posted January 10, 2014 I know nothing about the specifics of football, really, and I simulate defense on my dynasties/franchises because I'm so bad at it. DC for me? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vin+ 3,121 Posted January 10, 2014 I'm short and skinny, the ideal features of a D-line coach, IMO. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BwareDWare94 723 Posted January 10, 2014 I'll be defensive line coach. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cherry 1,302 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) Can I be GM? Gotta resign TJ Ward al-fucking-ready Jk. First order of business is trade Josh Gordon. Edited January 10, 2014 by Chernobyl426 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tridentdawgpound 1,043 Posted January 10, 2014 I'll be defensive line coach. This is a serious operation, bud. Don't ask for positions that are already filled. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cherry 1,302 Posted January 10, 2014 I'll be defensive line coach. This is a serious operation, bud. Don't ask for positions that are already filled. I'll take quarterback then Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BwareDWare94 723 Posted January 10, 2014 I meant OL coach. I'll coach the offensive line. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DonovanMcnabb for H.O.F 2,241 Posted January 10, 2014 Why is ATL the WR coach?? Is it cause he's black?? Fuck y'all! I'll take the defensive backs......... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
theMileHighGuy 656 Posted January 10, 2014 I'd like that job where you just sit in the luxury box and throw random shitty players on the field over and over and over again. What Mike Holmgren did. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zack_of_Steel+ 3,014 Posted January 10, 2014 Can I be GM? I'm a Steelers fan, so rest assured that I'll do a great job. And I have no qualifications, which is a plus. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SteelersNation36 128 Posted January 10, 2014 Can I be special teams coach? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ATL_Predator+ 1,196 Posted January 10, 2014 Why is ATL the WR coach?? Is it cause he's black?? Fuck y'all! I'll take the defensive backs......... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BwareDWare94 723 Posted January 10, 2014 Zack's first GM move: BREAKING: The Browns have officially traded a pair of mid round picks for Christian Ponder, and have a long term extension ready to be signed upon arrival. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bay 2,003 Posted January 10, 2014 TE coach. I can't work with Jordan Cameron though. Probably best we trade him. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tridentdawgpound 1,043 Posted January 10, 2014 All I need is a strength/conditioning coach. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SteVo+ 3,702 Posted January 10, 2014 All I need is a strength/conditioning coach. I haven't lifted weights in years. I hope I'm not overqualified. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tridentdawgpound 1,043 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) I sent this email to Michael Lombardi's email address from the National Football Post. Hope he still reads that one. Mr. Lombardi, I understand you are having some trouble finding your organization's new head coach. Well, do I have some good news for you! I am offering to fill the position for only five times the pay of the average NFL coach!! And that's not all: I've already assembled a staff of some great prospective coaches! Combined, the coaches on my staff have a total of zero games of head coaching experience. And these guys are the best of the best. Like, if you assembled a staff with Vince Lombardi, Tom Landry, Bill Belichick, and Bill Walsh, that staff would only be a little better than this one. Without further ado, here is your championship staff! Head Coach: Me. Duh. I have at least 60 years left to live and I can be your coach for all of them! Offensive Coordinator: This guy named Joe. Heavily influenced by the high flying offense used by your most recent head coach in Carolina. Defensive Coordinator: Some Viking Fan. The youngest member of the staff by a few years, this guy has the least experience of the bunch. Absolute must hire. ST Coordinator: This guy named Russell. Russell is a pothead that works at McDonald's and might be underqualified for his current employment. A spot on my staff is perfect for him, QB Coach: A guy known only as "FartWaffles". He eats waffles and he farts. Can probably also be a player/coach at the QB position. RB Coach: My good friend JD. JD has a classic running back's physique, and can mold the backs on the roster into tip-top shape to perform their best. WR Coach: This guy I kinda don't like named Chaz. Chaz is only on the staff so that people don't think I'm a racist. You can be sure that if we aren't good, Chaz is going to quit on the team, but we won't be not good, so it won't matter. TE Coach: Greg. His area of expertise is actually the secondary but he was overqualified for that position. However, he is perfectly qualified to pretend to coach one of the league's top tight ends. OL Coach: BWareDware. He'll actually coach for at least six other teams throughout the season; hope that's okay. DL Coach: Vin. Vinny is a natural born leader who can't possibly make our pass rushers more inconsistent. LB Coach: Sean Brock. Sean is like the Michael Irvin of LB coaches, and by that I mean he snorts copious amounts of cocaine. Has good history with LB's and is probably overqualified. DB Coach: Joel. Joel has never coached but played in college. His background is with the shutdown secondary of the Detroit Lions, so he'll fit in with us. Strength/Conditioning Coach: Stevie V. Stevie is a high school math teacher with no athletic or fitness knowledge. Perfect fit for my staff. Spread Game Analyst/Special Projects Coach: Brady. Brady might be the most qualified of my staff members for his position. So here is your staff, Mr. Lombardi. I guarantee you AT LEAST five Super Bowls this season, which should be enough to save my job. Please reply back. Toodaloo. - Coach Tommy. Edited January 11, 2014 by Tridentdawgpound 19 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites