Civil Discourse: Ideal Parenting Methods

[BwareDWare94 723]

Disclaimer: I'm aware that most of us aren't parents, but we're also ahead of the general curve intellectually. At least in my opinion. I think we've got something to offer to this discussion, and perhaps the handful of parents on this board can shed some light on things most of us wouldn't know about.

 

How do you feel children should be raised?

 

As for me, I think it all comes down to balance. As I mentioned in another thread, parents need to balance helping/nurturing with letting their children figure things out on their own so that they're self-sufficient.

 

But parents also need to display balance in other things, too, particularly with how they conduct themselves as they go about their everyday lives. Balance hard work with play time--show your children that when they're older they won't get to just go do whatever they want whenever they get the itch. They have to earn those things.

 

Parents need to balance giving their children tasks to do around the home with adequate time for their schoolwork. Household responsibilities are vital to children developing necessary everyday skills. If your kid never washes dishes, does laundry, cleans floors, or takes care of the yard, you're being way too damn soft on your kid. It's about them developing proper housecare habits for when they're older so you don't walk into a fucking bedpan when you visit your 25 year old slob in his disgusting apartment. There's also something to be said about structuring your child's life. Structure provides peace of mind and an easy path to follow on a day by day basis. Structure your child's life and balance that out by showing them the way your life is structured to make it as a easy as possible.

 

None of this is full-proof, of course. But I do think it's telling how little you see of these basic methods in the world today. That being said, the most well-behaved kids have households like this. They have responsibilities. They have structure. They're allowed to struggle and do things on their own, at times. Coddling is only destructive.

 

There's nothing quite as pathetic as a grown adult who can barely tie his own shoes. Avoid that at a all costs

 

What do the rest of you think?

Edited July 15, 2018 by BwareDWare94

[Omerta+ 1,206]

This is quite possibly the topic on TGP that can never be discussed in its entirety. I have a feeling we would be better off solving politics than we would this. The on immutable fact I have learned from being a parent is that it is a crapshoot. I do the best I can and I fuck it up on the daily lol. I will add more later but this is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge topic.

 

The one thing I will say right now is a great partner is monumental. My wife is quite literally the center of my universe. My kids are in there too but without her I would nto be anywhere close to as good as I am now.

Edited July 15, 2018 by Omerta

[RazorStar 4,025]

As someone who isn't a parent, I am clearly the only person who knows how to properly raise children.

 

Only offering general tips since every child is different, you should be stern with them as they're young, they aren't your friends and they're still developing their morality and basic humanity. Make sure that they learn early that there are consequences for their actions and that should help them greatly from there on. Other than that... hell if I know, I'm never going to be a parent.

[OSUViking 505]

Something I've discussed with my therapist (a parent herself and someone who helps people process childhood trauma) is the role of technology with parents. I'll keep this first post simple for now.

 

She has done work at hospitals before and she has observed mothers doing things on their smartphones while their infants are breastfeeding. The potentially damaging thing about this is that it's a great opportunity for the mother to establish eye contact with her child and start to Foster a connection. Breastfeeding is an intimate process for both mother and child and the early stages of a kid's life can have large effects on how strong of a connection the two have later in life.

 

I'm not sure how prevalent this is but with how addicted people are to their phones (I'm right there with them), I imagine it's not too uncommon. In situations like this, assuming the patterns continue throughout the early years, the lack of strong attachment could impact the willingness of the kid to approach their parent with their curiosity about their emotions. No one knows how to regulate their emotions when they're growing up, and internalizing them (certainly what I did) can lead to some dysregulated and nonsensical behavior.

 

I actually agree that there needs to be a balance. I can see how the other thread would make it seem like I think we need to coddle kids. Not so, I think too much dependence on the parents for emotional support can be damaging. Going off of my experiences, and admittedly biased observations I've made of people who offhandedly spoke of similar childhood circumstances, there are parents who don't really invest in emotional guidance at all. I can share a bit of my own to contextualize.

 

My dad was funny, nice, sometimes awesome but among other issues he was emotionally distant. My mom was very warm on the surface but I lacked a connection to her for some reason. She is highly emotional so it could be that she had some emotional issues when I was very young and those interfered with my attachment to her. The result was that I tried learning things on my own, failed miserably, and went through my teenage years coping and eventually I started intellectualizing my emotions, which isn't a productive approach. I'm not the most emotionally competent person in the world. Just an example of how things can play out. I wasn't abused at all, I'd say that my parents didn't recognize the role they played in guiding and nurturing my emotions when I was young and this is the result.

 

Edit: I will also add that I think once someone is independent of their parents, it's 100% their responsibility to solve whatever issues they've brought with them since their youth. Doesn't mean they have to do it alone, but at that point what's done is done and have to work with the cards we have. That's the spot I'm at right now though that (unfortunately for me) involves processing all those emotions that I ignored for 10+ years. Hence my anger towards my parents, and the irrational tint of some of my posts lately. I think there is sometimes validity to saying "these issues were caused by the environment I grew up in" because in my experience some people internalize that blame and it's not productive to do that, but more so in a matter of fact way that recognizes things for what they were. Vilifying parents for those recovering from trauma is just indulging in dysregulated emotions in a different way and doesn't actually solve anything. The reason I feel angry towards my own is to let myself feel it for the first time in God knows how long, not because I am sitting here pouting about not having the best guidance among other things. I still do my best to look at them as morally complex individuals like anyone else. Too idealized and too demonized of perceptions are both distorted.

Edited July 16, 2018 by OSUViking

[Omerta+ 1,206]

http://www.wcvb.com/article/mother-charged-after-3-year-old-daughter-dies-weighing-just-14-pounds/22574055

 

This is certainly not ideal parenting. These are the kind of people where we dish how the cruelest punishment we are capable of as a society. I read this when I was drinking my coffee this morning, and it turned my stomach. How a human being can do this to a child is something that I will never understand, this is what happens when you have a broken system.

 

the grandparents called CPS over a year ago and nothing was done, let that sink in.