Haters Guide to the NFL, Week 5

[Phins4life 271]

I thought it was pretty funny at least...

 

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1796828-the-haters-guide-to-the-nfl-quarter-season-edition

 

Some of my favs...

 

Up 28-23 toward the end of the fourth quarter, Ndamukong Suh realizes that he hasn't been called for his prerequisite personal foul yet. To keep up with appearances, Suh runs out and attacks his own team's victory formation. The ball squirts loose and Clay Matthews scoops and scores.

 

Tom Brady huddles up with his offense as he takes the field, looks around and just sits down on the ground sobbing. Emergency calls are placed to retrieve Brady's favorite blanket and other comfort items, but he just curls up in the fetal position and murmurs, "Wes....Wes...I just want my Wes back."

Brady is later seen wandering around the locker room wearing only an old Welker jersey and a mismatched pair of Uggs.

 

At halftime, Alex Smith is 12-of-12 for 15 yards and a touchdown. Although the Chiefs are up by a couple of scores, and the defense continues to be stifling, Reid inserts Tyler Bray at quarterback to get the offense rolling.

 

Late in the fourth quarter, the Dolphins need just one yard for victory. Daniel Thomas, who has already carried the ball 19 times for minus-2 yards, is sent into the game. As he trots onto the field, Ryan Tannehill looks over and exasperatingly shouts, "NO! Not again! Not Thomas!"

 

Cam Newton approaches his coaches before the game with a genius idea: "What if, instead of passing a whole bunch, we just run the football?"....Newton finishes 7-of-53 for 45 yards and 12 interceptions. The national media sees him sneeze and immediately launches into a 24/7 tirade about his body language. The Panthers lose the rest of their games, and Ron Rivera is extended on a new seven-year deal.

Panthers football, feel the excitement!

 

Dennis Allen is suspicious—especially because one of the young men is pushing 300 pounds—but then he remembers that he's the head coach of the Raiders and anything can happen.

 

[Vin+ 3,121]

 

Denver Broncos

 

And, lo! Hath the Football Gods descended upon this mortal sphere, determined to place into the hands of men a better game—a more glorious game. Verily hath there been interlopers upon the visage of the Football Gods, mere charlatans with their faulty merits and counterfeit miracles.

Hark! Hasten with glad tidings for the true football messiah hast climbed the rocky mountain paths to the city a mile high!

Let the congregation say, Amen.

 

Dallas Cowboys

You guys have Tony Romo.

[AL_Royalty 489]

Colts

Following Coby Fleener's fifth drop of the game, Andrew Luck very publicly starts to berate his longtime friend and tight end. "What are you doing out here?! You are screwing this up for the both of us!" Fleener, irate, removes his helmet to fling it at Luck, but then pauses and begins to remove the Mission Impossible-style facemask to reveal Terrell Owens underneath.

Legendary WWE announcer Jim Ross just happens to be in the stands: "Bah Gawd, King! It's T.O.! He'd do anything to get back into the league and now he's done it!" The man sitting next to Ross, not named King and confused as to why the gentleman next to him is now topless, quietly files his family out of the stadium.

 

Baltimore Ravens

Did ya'll just make a trade with the Jacksonville Jaguars in an effort to improve your team? Didn't think that one through, did ya?

The Ravens lose by double digits, and professional idiot Terrell Suggs pens another conspiracy theory pegging Joe Flacco's interceptions on Roger Goodell.

 

Carolina Panthers

Cam Newton approaches his coaches before the game with a genius idea: "What if, instead of passing a whole bunch, we just run the football?"

"No, that will never work," offensive coordinator Mike Shula replies, "they'll be expecting that."

"Yeah coach," Newton continues to plead. "But the whole passing thing hasn't really worked and they have Patrick Peterson....Honeybadger..."

"Yeah," Shula continues, "but we gotta out-think them...here we've drawn up 10 new plays they'll never see coming, all real complex routes, high-level stuff."

"I haven't seen these before either, and neither have my receivers," Newton cries. "Why can't we just run a halfback dive or something?"

Newton finishes 7-of-53 for 45 yards and 12 interceptions. The national media sees him sneeze and immediately launches into a 24/7 tirade about his body language. The Panthers lose the rest of their games, and Ron Rivera is extended on a new seven-year deal.

Panthers football, feel the excitement!

 

Hi Than : )

 

San Diego Chargers

"So, uh, Coach McCoy? When do you wanna do the thing?"

"What thing, Rivers?"

"The thing where we all of sudden start playing poorly and break all our fans hearts ensuring that most of them won't buy season tickets next year."

"What the...? No, we're not doing that this year!"

"But Coach Turner always..."

"No, we're going to try hard every single game, no letdowns this year!"

"Yeah, that's just...um...no, I quit."

Charlie Whitehurst throws six interceptions in the loss.

 

Heigh Kemp : )