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Not sure where else to post this. It is related to the sobriety post in the good news thread but this in and of itself is not good news. More so observations.

Being sober has exposed me to so much shit in my head that I've ignored since I was young. My relationship is terrifying and I love my girlfriend but quite frankly I get paranoid and it's hard without weed being there to mask it. 

I've no intention of harming myself but the image of ending my own life plays on repeat in my head basically every day. Around coworkers, when I'm alone, when I'm with my girlfriend, even around my doctors. No intention of following through. It's just an obsessive thought that pops up a lot and it's unpleasant at best. Paranoid thoughts are also nearly constant but not necessarily prominent. It's more so like they are always there, but I see them for what they are. The temptation to go down the paranoid rabbit hole is constant and somehow paranoia feels safer than trying to ground myself in reality.

I've also taken some time to appreciate it takes some grit to make it through some of these things. I usually shy away from complimenting myself because I don't like coming off as egotistical. But most people would not be able to handle the types of thoughts I put up with on a daily basis, on top of recovering from substance abuse (I still have physical cravings for weed) and studying for a competitive degree. 

Life has been difficult but it's also made me resilient. I had someone on campus not so subtly say I had an easy life because I was middle class and a white male. I don't talk with them often but I wondered how long they'd be able to last if they had to put up with some of this shit.

Edited by OSUViking

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