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After spygate part two, I was curious what would happen if the NFL decided to remove a team’s wins retroactively, as if they couldn’t win those games without cheating. As the Patriots have been cheating for years, we can remove all of their wins since 2001 and see what happens. Obviously this has some butterfly/ripple effects that would make drastic changes in the NFL seasons to come, but hey let’s ignore all that. Brady and Belichick stay a battery as they lose every single game on their schedule for nearly 20 years. Let’s see what happens. 2001 The first Patriots super bowl victory, or in this case, the first Patriots winless season. Tom Brady comes off the bench, game manages the team into winning 11 of the next 14 regular season games and starting a legend. That uh… never happened in the correct timeline. 0-16. Colts and Bills get 2 more wins, and the Chargers, Falcons, Saints, Jets, Browns, Dolphins and Panthers get another win. That makes the new AFC East and playoff picture look like this: AFC East 1. New York Jets 12-4 (H2H tiebreaker over Dolphins) 2. Miami Dolphins 12-4 3. Indianapolis Colts 7-9 4. Buffalo Bills 5-11 5. New England Patriots 0-16 AFC: 1. Pittsburgh Steelers 13-3 2. New York Jets 12-4 (up from 6th seed) 3. Oakland Raiders 10-6 4. Miami Dolphins 12-4 5. Baltimore Ravens 10-6 6. Seattle Seahawks 9-7 (unseeded) NFC: Unchanged With the scenario like this, I think it’s actually the Steelers who outlast and survive the Raiders in the AFC Championship, while there’s no reason to believe the NFC wouldn’t belong to the greatest show on turf. However in that super bowl, I’m taking the Rams to beat the Kordell Stewart led Steelers. I do like slash historically, but he’s not a player who I’d ever associate with a super bowl winner. Hines Ward and Plaxico Burress were 1000 yard receivers for this squad though. New 2001 Super Bowl: Rams > Steelers 28-23 2002 The Patriots didn’t make the playoffs this year, as Brady hit a slump, and the team had a serious super bowl hangover. However, they were literally some bad tiebreakers away from both a divisional title or a wild card berth, and could have very easily snuck into the dance in this season. The division realignment meant they no longer shared a division with the Colts, which was to both Brady and Manning’s benefit back then. Now it’s to the Colts detriment, since they don’t get two free wins a season anymore. The Bills get 2 more wins, and the Jets, Dolphins, Steelers, Chiefs, Bears, Vikings, and Lions all get 1 more win. AFC East: 1. New York Jets 10-6 (5-1 Div) 2. Buffalo Bills 10-6 (4-2 Div) (H2H over MIA) 3. Miami Dolphins 10-6 (3-3 Div) 4. New England Patriots 0-16 AFC: 1. Pittsburgh Steelers 11-4-1 (up from 3) 2. Oakland Raiders 11-5 (down from 1) 3. Tennessee Titans 11-5 (down from 2) 4. New York Jets 10-6 5. Buffalo Bills 10-6 (unseeded before) 6. Indianapolis Colts 10-6 (down from 5) (H2H over MIA) NFC: Unchanged So again, I see no reason to believe why Tampa’s great defense wouldn’t take over the NFC once again, so I’m giving them the NFC rep. The AFC is a lot more interesting however. The ripple effect boosts the Steelers into home field advantage in a messy and close race at the top. Titans and Jets win the wild card rounds, Oakland and Pittsburgh should win in the divisional rounds, which gives an interesting Steelers / Raiders Conference championship for the second season in a row. This time the Raiders take it, and eventually lose the Super Bowl, but it’s interesting to see just how much better the Steelers are with the Patriots gone. 2002 Super Bowl. Unchanged. Buccaneers > Raiders 48-21 2003 The Patriots defense was absurd this year and probably would have won games without cheating? Blasphemy, that’s quitter talk. We’re taking out 14 patriot wins and distributing them to teams who deserve it. Capitalism at its finest. The Dolphins and Jets get two more wins, and the Bills, Eagles, Titans, Giants, Browns, Broncos, Cowboys, Texans, Colts, and Jags get another win. AFC East: 1. Miami Dolphins 12-4 2. New York Jets 8-8 3. Buffalo Bills 7-9 4. New England Patriots 0-16 AFC Playoff Picture: 1. Kansas City Chiefs 13-3 (Up from 2) 2. Indianapolis Colts 13-3 (Up from 3) 3. Miami Dolphins 12-4 (Unseeded) 4. Baltimore Ravens 10-6 5. Tennessee Titans 13-3 6. Denver Broncos 11-5 NFC Playoff Picture: Cowboys and Seahawks switch wild card seeds (Dallas becomes the 5, Seattle the 6) So this is the first time the Patriots make a real impact on the NFC, changing the wildcard seeds ever so slightly. Eagles unanimously win the first seed instead of getting it on a tiebreaker, but it’s likely that the NFC remains unchanged with the seeding shifts. Carolina still comes out on top there. With the change to the AFC though, the Colts and Titans are the two best teams in the conference, and one of them is beating the Chiefs and their porous defense like a drum. With HFA on their side and likely a weaker road to the playoffs, I’ll take the Colts to appear in their first super bowl. Just as well, I’ll also take them to win over the 2003 Panthers squad in the super bowl. New 2003 Super Bowl: Colts > Panthers 35-24 2004 And the Patriots first threepeat is… well they’re on a 64 game losing streak now. Time to distribute some more wins, and to crown a new champion as a result. The Jets and Bills get two more wins, and the Dolphins, Colts, Cardinals, Seahawks, Rams, Bills, Chiefs, Ravens, Browns, Bengals, and 49ers all add another win to their tally. AFC East: 1. New York Jets 12-4 2. Buffalo Bills 11-5 3. Miami Dolphins 5-11 4. New England Patriots 0-16 AFC: 1. Pittsburgh Steelers 15-1 2. Indianapolis Colts 13-3 (Up from 3) 3. New York Jets 12-4 (Up from 6, H2H over SD) 4. San Diego Chargers 12-4 5. Buffalo Bills 11-5 (unseeded) 6. Baltimore Ravens 10-6 (Tiebreak over Denver) (unseeded) NFC: Unchanged, Rams are the unanimous 5 seed rather than winning it on tiebreakers. Once again, I don’t think the NFC changes with these results. The Eagles are far and away the best team in that conference, and walk away with it. The AFC however is a massive clusterfuck. The Jets are in a position to shake things up, the Colts get a first round bye, and the Steelers were a 15-1 team that season. My gut says the Steelers beat the Colts in an ugly AFC Championship game, as Hines Ward catches a game winning TD in the final minutes, or Mike Vanderjagt chokes it away. Something heartbreaking I’m sure. Steelers win the AFC to face the Eagles in the battle of Pennsylvania. Terrell Owens goes ham, wins super bowl MVP, and the Eagles are your super bowl champion. New 2004 Super Bowl: Eagles > Steelers 24-20 2005 Ah yes, the years where the Patriots decided to finally stop winning super bowls for a while, give other teams a chance to play meaningful football in January. They still won their division at 10-6, so let’s fix that. They were actually the worst team in the postseason by record too. In any case The Jets and Bills gain 2 more wins, and the Dolphins, Raiders, Steelers, Falcons, Saints, and Bucs all gain an extra win. Just notice how chaotic the AFC East becomes without the presence of the Pats, the Jets and Dolphins practically flip flop the spot year in and year out. AFC East: 1. Miami Dolphins 10-6 2. Buffalo Bills 7-9 3. New York Jets 6-10 4. New England Patriots 0-16 AFC: 1. Indianapolis Colts 14-2 2. Denver Broncos 13-3 3. Pittsburgh Steelers 12-4 (up from 6) 4. Miami Dolphins 10-6 (unseeded) 5. Jacksonville Jaguars 12-4 6. Cincinnati Bengals 11-5 (down from 3) NFC: 1. Seattle Seahawks 13-3 2. Tampa Bay Bucs 12-4 (up from 3) 3. Chicago Bears 11-5 (down from 2) 4. New York Giants 11-5 5. Carolina Panthers 11-5 6. Washington Redskins 10-6 I don’t think the playoffs change much in either conference as a result of this. The Steelers still play the Bengals in the opening round, bully Carson Palmer and take off with a victory, beat Denver handily in Mile High, before playing that disgustingly close match with the Colts as a proper AFC Championship.They just get a home game this time around. Seahawks walk through the NFC with home field advantage, before falling to the Steelers in Super Bowl 40. 2005 Super Bowl Unchanged. Steelers > Seahawks 21-10 2006 You know, it’s downright therapeutic to write Patriots 0-16 over and over again. Almost like fulfilling an ancient prophecy, or summoning a demon or something wild. The one bad thing about doing it for this season is that removes the amazing 2006 AFC Championship from history. But that’s a price I’m willing to pay. The losing streak is at 96 games and we’ve got 12 wins to distribute. The Bills win two games, and the Jets, Dolphins, Bengals, Vikings, Packers, Bears, Lions, Texans, Jags and Titans all get a win as well. AFC East: 1. New York Jets 12-4 2. Buffalo Bills 9-7 3. Miami Dolphins 7-9 4. New England Patriots 0-16 AFC (We have created an enormous 9-7 clusterfuck I dunno what the fuck) 1. San Diego Chargers 14-2 2. Baltimore Ravens 13-3 3. Indianapolis Colts 12-4 (H2H over NYJ) 4. New York Jets 12-4 (up from 5) 5/6/7/8/9/10. Buffalo Bills / Kansas City Chiefs / Denver Broncos / Cincinnati Bengals / Tennessee Titans / Jacksonville Jaguars 9-7 I think the Chiefs and Bengals are the teams that make it out of that clusterfuck, but I could be wrong. In the NFC, the Packers supplant the Giants as the 6th seed, but I don’t think it changes anything major in the conference. The 14-2 Bears sweep through the conference with their HFA. In the AFC, I think it’s likely we see a Chargers vs. Colts AFC Championship, as the bullshit that plagued the Chargers in the divisional round against the Patriots never happens, and instead they beat up the Jets. With the MVP and hot new QB Philip Rivers, the Chargers win the AFC over the Colts based on their heavy run game. And so that takes us to the Super Bowl between two 14-2 teams, top seeds in their conference and… New 2005 Super Bowl Bears > Chargers 33-17 The Chargers lose in heartbreaking fashion because they kicked to Devin Hester multiple times. Rex Grossman, super bowl winning QB. This is the timeline we deserve.

Just got home from the theater. Really enjoyed it, but PHEW it is a LOT of movie to process. Will be seeing it again.