I need opinions.

[BwareDWare94 723]

Everything moved on as if there weren't two dead men in two totaled cars in the northwest ditch of highway 17, lights flicking and a horn blaring, Midnight in Montgomery playing through a shattered window in each vehicle. The moon kept rising. The earth kept spinning. The snowfall that'd come in the morning kept moving in from the west.

 

Clarence Hall is the first to arrive at the scene, slightly drunk but not so much that he can't pull out his cell phone as he stops on the shoulder of the slight curve in the highway. Becky answers his distress call and alerts the police, fire department, and first response units as well as the local hospital where the on-call physician is awakened from a light slumber.

 

In one car was twenty-five year old Dylan Sanderson, neck broken and body indented against the steering wheel and a spidered windshield the likely culprit. Clarence knows Dylan, a good kid who never left town, but in the second car he finds his youngest farm employee—seventeen year old Bradyn Meier.

 

First responder Nancy Collins will never forget hoping that he'd died on impact. Clarence will never forget having an employee who actually came to work willing to work.

 

Families were alerted—mothers wailed, fathers cried too but with wives in their arms, younger siblings were left sleeping. Distant family members jumped in their cars in little towns across the state. Parents informed their kids. High school friends called one another, the angrily answered 1AM phone calls turned soft at the sound of sobs.

 

 

OK, so it's a little depresseing. What I'm going for is a third person omniscient narrator detailing the town's reaction to this tragedy. Two highways intersect in two places, forming T intersections. Highways 17 and 18. A set of S-curves in 17 has 18 junctioning in one curve and junctioning back out in the other. The story's called "17 Both Ways, 18 Just Down the Road." It's going to play off how the highways are set up and where in life the younger kid was. I just need help as far as how the feeling of the story hits home. Am I getting anywhere with this intro? It's very rough so far, but I hope to turn it into something.

[BoneKrusher+ 1,276]

i like reading man but i cant write for shit. :grinno:

i'm totally useless to you here.

 

keep it up man.

[SteVo+ 3,702]

Well written overall, Bware. The only thing that's throwing me off is that the verb tense shifts a couple times. Is that intentional?

[BwareDWare94 723]

Well written overall, Bware. The only thing that's throwing me off is that the verb tense shifts a couple times. Is that intentional?

 

Not at all. With this omniscient narrator I've been having trouble retaining past tense verbs throughout. I'll have to fix that.

[BwareDWare94 723]

What I absolutely need for this intro is a piledriver of a first sentence. Is that first sentence doing anything for anybody as is?

[blotsfan 2,112]

I think its pretty good overall, but the first sentence is really weak. I understand what you're going for, but it kinda drags and is awkward. I had to reread that sentence a few times over. I'm not a great writer by any means so take this with a grain of salt but I really think you should make it shorter and more direct.

[Omerta+ 1,206]

I am not writer and would not insult them with me proclaiming that title however the first few sentences could go something like:

 

Father time trudged on taking nothing but brief pause and lament as a pair of souls had just exited this life for another,who were in their cars awaiting their final journey. The lights dancing with the devil in an eery glow upon the ditch, with Midnight in Montgomery penetrating the somber silence of the twilight hours through the fisured chasm left in the windshield from the wreckage.

 

Like I said it probably isnt any better than yours but just a different perspective on how your opening narrative could go.

 

And I mean as far as the cars thing you could leave it simple or say something to the effect of, " In the iron vessels that were going to ferry them into the next life...." or whatever. I like detail but I also like an easy read.

 

 

Good Luck. And if I may ask what is it for ?

Edited July 14, 2012 by Ngata_Chance

[SteVo+ 3,702]

Not at all. With this omniscient narrator I've been having trouble retaining past tense verbs throughout. I'll have to fix that.

 

When in doubt, past tense usually works. Very rarely do I see short stories where present tense works better than past tense.

 

What I absolutely need for this intro is a piledriver of a first sentence. Is that first sentence doing anything for anybody as is?

 

Right now the first sentence is definitely long and staggered. I always liked starting stories off with shorter sentences, shorter paragraphs. Give the reader small bits of information they can latch on to. Don't open the story with a daunting sentence/paragraph.

 

This does not mean, however, that you need to figure this out right now. I would say just keep going with the story, and at some point during the editing process, you'll figure something out for the lead.

[BwareDWare94 723]

blots and SteVo, I agree about short and direct because of the subject matter, so thank you.

 

Ngata, I appreciate how you took a different perspective--it was much more omniscient than my prose is just now. I may have to try to combine what I have now with your idea.

[Zack_of_Steel+ 3,014]

The glaring problem I noticed was that the verb tense kept changing, as Stevo mentioned. It's very difficult to become engrossed in a story when that switch is clicking on and off in the back of one's mind while reading.

 

Also, I agree that the first sentence needs work. You first describe the two victims as "dead men", but then go on to describe the younger of the two as a kid. This is where you have to pick a direction and run with it. Is he a young, innocent, hard-working kid or is he a hard-working, beyond his years, man? It's fine if the character is a bit of both and has depth as such, but if you go that route, you might want to stray from describing him as one or the other.

Edited July 14, 2012 by Zack_of_Steel

[BwareDWare94 723]

The glaring problem I noticed was that the verb tense kept changing, as Stevo mentioned. It's very difficult to become engrossed in a story when that switch is clicking on and off in the back of one's mind while reading.

 

Also, I agree that the first sentence needs work. You first describe the two victims as "dead men", but then go on to describe the younger of the two as a kid. This is where you have to pick a direction and run with it. Is he a young, innocent, hard-working kid or is he a hard-working, beyond his years, man? It's fine if the character is a bit of both and has depth as such, but if you go that route, you might want to stray from describing him as one or the other.

 

Yeah that verb tense thing is a pain in the ass with an omniscient narrator. I'm trying to avoid jumping into one of the named characters' perspectives, so I think that's why it's happening.

 

The whole idea of this story is: There's a set of S curves in Highway 17. Highway 18 junctions in on one curve and junctions out again on the other depending on which direction you're coming form on 17. The kid is 17 years old, and the story is called "17 Both Ways, 18 Just Down the Road." I'm going to play around with ambiguity in the title between where the 17 year old was headed with his life and the way the highways are set up.

 

The story that gave me this idea is "Wickedness" by Ron Hansen. He's from Nebraska, actually, so you may know who he is. It's an omniscient depiction of a storm hitting small town Nebraska in the 1800s. It's a beautifully written story and has been called a tour de force. It's a great read, if you or anybody else is interested.

 

This is easily the most complex idea I've ever had, so it's going to be rough going until I get the hang of omniscient narration and putting ambiguity on the page. It doesn't matter if I see it if my readers can't.