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BwareDWare94

Modern Dating

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Disclaimer: Obviously I am no expert and have spent much of my adult life single. I'd just like to hear everybody's thoughts on current trends, some of which are very troubling.

 

1. Netflix and Chill

--I don't see any issue with friends getting to know one another and finding out their sexual chemistry through this method. Hell, I think it's even financially responsible. However, in the case of N&C with non-friends with the assumption of getting laid, I do think there are inherent risks to sex before really knowing someone, and I also think it's a terrible thing to take as a first impression. There are pros and cons to this current trend.

 

2. Checking each other's phones

--fuck off. This is not healthy, and should not be seen as normal and okay.

 

3. Instant Grat Dating sites like Tinder

--I actually think this is better than over-information sites. Got a basic attraction? Might as well meet.

 

Feel free to add any other trends to discuss.

Edited by BwareDWare94

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What's the adjective of this thread? To bitch about dating trends and girls? Lol. You sound like a bitter woman, in all honestly. Not even trying to be an asshole.

Edited by Piggly Wiggly

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Did you even read the post? I'm trying to generate discussion

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Evolution of technology and some shifts in culture have created a weird bubble. As you said there's a lot more instant gratification like Tinder. People are able to meet easier and without the awkward hassle of setting up multiple dates. I think there is also a lot more emphasis on individuals being free sexually than there used to be. If you slept around 20-30 years ago it was much more frowned upon than it is today, at least for women.

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I don't know man, I don't think there's really any wrong way to meet a woman, or today in general. Unless you guys do like rape fantasies the first night, I think you're asking for trouble in that Arena, the really barring that I don't see any reason why to good intention people can't date how they see fit.

 

List of the cellphone thing, I think you're wrong. If it happens on the first date, the second date, yeah you may very well have a problem. That said me and my wife have been married for 7 years now, and I don't want to say she goes through my phone but she probably sees it daily. I don't think she goes through it to see anything nefarious, it's just all have a conversation with someone and her being her naturally inquisitive self I want to know what was said. I find it much easier to just hand her the phone and say have a ball, then try to explain it Blow by blow. I mean I have absolutely nothing to hide, that woman is so much hotter than me I'd be an absolute moron to fucking sleep around. I don't have any naked pictures, I don't sex to anybody, I'll do any of that junk. So when she wants to go through my phone I really don't even think twice about it. I would contend that if you have to hide your phone, that isn't healthy. I'm all for respecting boundaries, has I have a few in my own relationship. For instance, I like to do carpentry and woodworking on the side, and when I go into my shed, everybody knows just kind of let me be for a few hours, it's how I decompress. Also I'm a rare drinker, but on the occasion I take a 24 pack into my shed, that means you really shouldn't talk to me. And my wife has her own things that she does, just last year of build her a place to do Acro yoga whatever the hell that s*** is. I'm going there and mess with her and infringe upon her time, I think it's healthy to have boundaries. We also have mutually agreed that a boundary both of ours is not to be yelled at, we both have fears tempers, and talking to each other like adults is the best way to go about it. We have a standing rule that if one of us starts screaming at the other, one of us vacates comes back 10 minutes later in the other one apologizes. So, I say all that to say I'm a relationship. But when you have nothing to hide look up whatever you want. I mean I do the same thing to my son, if we're sitting in line somewhere I'll let him play my little tower defense game, not worried about what he might find on it either.

 

I wouldn't know anything about these instant gratification sites, so you got me there. It could be the Antichrist of the Savior for all I know.

 

I'm not going to try to psychoanalyze you man, because if we're all going to be truthful with each other I don't know you from Adam. That being said man, it seems like you've been hurt by a lot of women. Seems like you're trying to get your feet wet in the dating scene, and aren't entirely comfortable with it yet. There's nothing wrong with that, I think finding a good woman's going to do you a lot of good to be honest though man. I know it changed my life for the better.

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I didn't have much privacy as a kid, especially when I first got my phone. Helicopter parenting and whatnot to "make sure I wasn't talking to strangers, or that I'm not going down a bad path". Pathetic excuse if you ask me, but it is what it is. If a girl wants to see my phone, she can suck it up when I say no. I value my privacy to a great deal and no one is entitled to breach it because of a position they're in with me.

 

Mostly agree with Ngata otherwise.

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For the record I'm not saying hide phones/be defensive about it. I'm not going to look at hers. She's not going to look at mine. Also, while your situation might be different, I'm referring to the habitual tolerance of it. I know of relationships where the guy or girl looks through their partner's phone every single night.

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Yeah that's toxic. If someone can't trust their partner without looking through their phone, they shouldn't be dating.

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And that statement needs a second meaning--shouldn't be dating, as in not dating their current partner and not dating at all.

 

Ngata is right about something else. I outlined my recent experiences in the shoutbox the other day and they have absolutely altered my perspective, despite the two women involved being examples of extremes (junkie and bipolar depressive). I don't feel toward all women the cruelty those two showed to me, but damn right if I'm more careful and in no hurry to jump to the next thing.

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I think you have to really be careful anymore. You have everything at your disposal to meet someone, and at the same time... the person you're interested in could be one of those lifers on these dating sites and while you feel like you are connecting with them... they are talking to 10 other different people.

 

I shall speak from experience.

 

About 2 years ago, I went on POF just because I wanted to test the waters a bit. I got on POF and I started talking to this girl named Jess. Jess was really cool, she was 29 at the time and I was 22 so there was kind of an age gap. Despite that, we connected really well, and I desired a more 'mature' woman or so I thought. Jess lived 2 hours from me and at the time my work schedule was completely inconsistent.

 

We finally met up at her house. Jess made dinner and we went for a walk around a park and walked around downtown for a bit. There was no physical relations but we really really got along well but the one thing she kept saying was she was concerned about the distance. I told her that I would do my best to see her once a week or that she would come to me... problem was... she had a kid. So over the next few weeks I would drive after work (11pm at night) to drive and see her and spend the following day with her.

 

The first time I did this, she said she would get a babysitter or her son would be asleep upstairs (son was 7 y/o) so I get there and she has candles and food and all this shit waiting for me. We have dinner and have food... then her son starts having an asthma attack to the common person, but I could tell it was croup. As a paramedic, I told her that we needed to go to the ER. It's 2am we get there and wait for 3 hours for the whole process to be done... we leave and go back to her place and it's about 6am she thanks me for everything and all three of us are up just chilling. At this point, I have been up for over 24 hours an am exhausted and simply asked her if we could go upstairs and sleep...

 

She tells me.. point blank... I just don't feel comfortable with you staying here yet (even if it was just downstairs on the couch) so... at 6am I drive home (Thank God for manual) and am just completely confused.

 

A few days later I found out she was talking to some guy in Indiana and he visited her that morning.

 

A shitty experience, as I let myself open up to her very deeply as she did with me... but to this day this girl is still single seeing all sorts of different guys.

 

Overall I feel that many people that don't know what they want in the dating world are not up front or truthful with their intentions. A lot of people feel that there s/o is replaceable and feel that they are just a number. I'll tell you what, if it weren't for my current girl now... I'd be the same way, the right person for you can make a world of difference... but the road there is brutal anymore.

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It's really interesting to see how dating has evolved over the years. Obviously social media is the number one game changer. Not only is there plenty of dating apps to meet new people, but most people have some form of Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. that almost allows anyone to look you up. I feel like social media dating allows us to be more picky and patient since you don't have to go anywhere to meet anyone or put that much effort into talking to someone new. If the person you're talking to is starting to get boring, just ignore them and wait for the next person to come around. The old way it was difficult and awkward to approach new dating candidates and awkwardly ask a stranger to spend time with you, once you found something that somewhat worked it was more likely to stick. You couldn't just fire up tinder and look for the next one, you had to wait until you come across someone single you have interest in.

​Another interesting aspect is how much the idea of being romantic has changed over the years. I saw a comedy video somewhere (can't remember where) about your grandma's big romantic story vs yours today. The old lady was talking about how when she first met her husband he would send her flowers every day and love letters and how it was the most romantic thing and then today that happens and the woman is locking herself in her room calling the police because she's being stalked by a creep. I mean, when you think about it the old ways of romanticism where kind of creepy, I just think it's funny to see how much it's changed now.

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It's the Golden Age of the penis. It's so easy to get laid and you don't have to worry about anyone's shit. You can just go to work, do your think, have alone time and get some pussy from time to time.

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It does seem that you can't show interest in a person anymore or you're too much for them. Why has it evolved to this? Why are we more likely to be put off by people who see something worthwhile in us? You have to play this walking on eggshells game in order to try even hang out with a member of the opposite sex. It's emotionally exhausting and really not worth it.

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Society is paranoid as hell, and I'm saying that as someone who knows what genuine paranoia is like. It's disconcerting and I think it definitely plays into how affection presents.

It does seem that you can't show interest in a person anymore or you're too much for them. Why has it evolved to this? Why are we more likely to be put off by people who see something worthwhile in us? You have to play this walking on eggshells game in order to try even hang out with a member of the opposite sex. It's emotionally exhausting and really not worth it.

Lol we have to walk on egg shells for everyone, not just women. The amount of men - older and younger - with fragile egos is pretty staggering. Edited by OSUViking

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Society is paranoid as hell, and I'm saying that as someone who knows what genuine paranoia is like. It's disconcerting and I think it definitely plays into how affection presents.

 

Lol we have to walk on egg shells for everyone, not just women. The amount of me - older and younger - with fragile egos is pretty staggering.

Honestly, I've noticed this too. It's one of the more unsettling things I've seen comment something I thought about my head for at least a couple years now, and the conclusion I've came to is very disconcerting. Bare with me, but I think it has everything to do with the media, and get this body shaming. I know, for me it's a revelation to say something like that.

 

Also I don't want any of you guys to take from this, that I think we should all Community website, or have some giant Maricopa and hold hands and sing Kumbaya. That being said I think a lot of the camaraderie between men has been lost, and I think a lot of that has to do with the reason we have so many fragile egos. I will take me for instance, as I don't want to comment on anybody else. I remember I was like 14 or 15 the thought of asking a woman out on a date was terrifying. I didn't want to get rejected and made fun of by my friends. And then a magical thing happened, I asked and I got rejected. Now the other part of this magic cuz I had a buddy ask the same girl a couple days later, and he got rejected. What I learned from that, was that we're all going to get rejected as going to suck for all of us, but that being said I think as men we have to stop laughing at each other and making fun of each other when one of us is as good as another with the ladies. I think a lot of that comment a lot of that friendly mail jostling that we do with each other, is holding a lot of men back from asking women out that they probably should.

 

I also think Society tells us, that unless you're seven or an eight, don't even bother asking how to 5 because it just isn't going to happen. On my best day I was maybe in a comment on my worst as probably a 5. That being said I've got a wife who's on her worst day at 9, and I still to this day don't know how the hell I did it. I just got to that point, to where I said to hell with it, I'm going to ask her out. I was about 9 years ago, after I've got my first apartment had not a dime to my name and only a hopes of getting a garage going. We've been married for 7 years, and I look back and I see a lot of guys who are in my same position, and it said to me. So many men are afraid of getting rejected, that they don't even dare ask for what they really want. I think we need to support each other better, and I think we need to go a long way and saying hey you may not be the prettiest son-of-a-gun in the world, but you're still worth something, you still bring a lot of value to a relationship.

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Society is paranoid as hell, and I'm saying that as someone who knows what genuine paranoia is like. It's disconcerting and I think it definitely plays into how affection presents.

 

 

Lol we have to walk on egg shells for everyone, not just women. The amount of men - older and younger - with fragile egos is pretty staggering.

Which is why I didn't see men or women, but "a person" in the original post...

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Men supporting men is just the patriarchy. And we already have that.

 

/s

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Honestly, I've noticed this too. It's one of the more unsettling things I've seen comment something I thought about my head for at least a couple years now, and the conclusion I've came to is very disconcerting. Bare with me, but I think it has everything to do with the media, and get this body shaming. I know, for me it's a revelation to say something like that.

 

Also I don't want any of you guys to take from this, that I think we should all Community website, or have some giant Maricopa and hold hands and sing Kumbaya. That being said I think a lot of the camaraderie between men has been lost, and I think a lot of that has to do with the reason we have so many fragile egos. I will take me for instance, as I don't want to comment on anybody else. I remember I was like 14 or 15 the thought of asking a woman out on a date was terrifying. I didn't want to get rejected and made fun of by my friends. And then a magical thing happened, I asked and I got rejected. Now the other part of this magic cuz I had a buddy ask the same girl a couple days later, and he got rejected. What I learned from that, was that we're all going to get rejected as going to suck for all of us, but that being said I think as men we have to stop laughing at each other and making fun of each other when one of us is as good as another with the ladies. I think a lot of that comment a lot of that friendly mail jostling that we do with each other, is holding a lot of men back from asking women out that they probably should.

 

I also think Society tells us, that unless you're seven or an eight, don't even bother asking how to 5 because it just isn't going to happen. On my best day I was maybe in a comment on my worst as probably a 5. That being said I've got a wife who's on her worst day at 9, and I still to this day don't know how the hell I did it. I just got to that point, to where I said to hell with it, I'm going to ask her out. I was about 9 years ago, after I've got my first apartment had not a dime to my name and only a hopes of getting a garage going. We've been married for 7 years, and I look back and I see a lot of guys who are in my same position, and it said to me. So many men are afraid of getting rejected, that they don't even dare ask for what they really want. I think we need to support each other better, and I think we need to go a long way and saying hey you may not be the prettiest son-of-a-gun in the world, but you're still worth something, you still bring a lot of value to a relationship.

You're unknowingly hitting on another important point. Male egos are fragile partially because we're convinced there are leagues, which turns into placing any women we find attractive automatically above us league wise. There are no leagues as far as normal looking folks are concerned. If you are a male and you didn't lose the genetic lottery, you can date any level of beauty you want if your demeanor exudes character and confidence.

 

I am very insecure about my looks but my handful of dating experiences with women close to my age have been mostly with dimes.

 

We also absolutely have to stop fostering a culture where better looking equates to better overall according to our society. Better is who treats you better, regardless of what they look like.

Edited by BwareDWare94

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Just gonna point this out, what your saying is good and all, but this is creeping dangerously towards victimization of men. The posts have suggested that our problems are from a shitty culture. I agree the culture is shitty, but the solution isn't to turn around and say "welp wish things were different". That's the impression I got from your posts, not sure if that was the intent.

 

The circumstances are such that the culture towards men is sometimes stacked against them. Not an excuse to not pursue relationships they're interested in. Like Ngata said, getting over the fear of failure is the big part. If anything, I think we'd have a more ambitious and productive society in general if we didn't stigmatize failure so much in school. Would more than likely teach kids that asking someone out and getting rejected is par for the course.

Edited by OSUViking

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Just gonna point this out, what your saying is good and all, but this is creeping dangerously towards victimization of men. The posts have suggested that our problems are from a shitty culture. I agree the culture is shitty, but the solution isn't to turn around and say "welp wish things were different". That's the impression I got from your posts, not sure if that was the intent.

 

The circumstances are such that the culture towards men is sometimes stacked against them. Not an excuse to not pursue relationships they're interested in. Like Ngata said, getting over the fear of failure is the big part. If anything, I think we'd have a more ambitious and productive society in general if we didn't stigmatize failure so much in school. Would more than likely teach kids that asking someone out and getting rejected is par for the course.

No. It's about the fucking cuntiness of women.

 

Women know today that they can get a man to be inside them in SECONDS and it does not matter how ugly they are. Men are desperate in general... and once certain women grasp that concept, they feel that they are top shit regardless of how ugly or shitty of a person they are...

 

They turn men into dogs and then pick and choose until they find exactly what they want because they have leverage in just about everything... from beginning of meeting at a bar.... to divorce with the kids and house.

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No. It's about the fucking cuntiness of women.

 

Women know today that they can get a man to be inside them in SECONDS and it does not matter how ugly they are. Men are desperate in general... and once certain women grasp that concept, they feel that they are top shit regardless of how ugly or shitty of a person they are...

 

They turn men into dogs and then pick and choose until they find exactly what they want because they have leverage in just about everything... from beginning of meeting at a bar.... to divorce with the kids and house.

 

Personally, I haven't experienced this, so admittedly it's hard for me to relate.

 

That being said, the point I was trying to make is that the logic came off as similar to the SJW/millenial nonsense that people rib on so much. Victimization and whatnot.

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Personally, I haven't experienced this, so admittedly it's hard for me to relate.

 

That being said, the point I was trying to make is that the logic came off as similar to the SJW/millenial nonsense that people rib on so much. Victimization and whatnot.

 

I see what you're saying... and in some cases that may play a part.

 

In what I've seen a lot of women are cunts and unstable and a lot of guys are idiots that drive women into that state a lot of the time.

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For me it's seeing chemistry...because chemistry is obvious but that doesn't mean she's into you. Men want to be on fire internally when it comes to dating, at least I do. I'm not sure what women want or experience. They are trained by our society to be disinterested in any man who doesn't openly show potential stability. So as a guy you have to show that your shit is together but also don't flaunt. You want a real woman, not a gold digger.

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